Emotional resilience refers to a person’s ability to ‘bounce back’ and regulate their emotions in response to stressful situations.

Parents and caregivers are likely to witness their children experiencing an array of unpleasant emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, shame, guilt, etc. While it is normal to experience these, it is also not uncommon for parents to feel uncomfortable when they see their child struggle. This may lead to them to respond by:

• Lecturing their child on how their behavior isn’t helpful
• Blaming or accusing them for not handling the situation in the ‘right’ manner
• Ordering their child to stop ruminating or
• Threatening that they may take away some of their privileges if they don’t calm down immediately

Being a caregiver is not easy, especially when children are struggling. Parents often feel responsible for their children’s emotional wellbeing and may instinctively direct their child to move to problem-solving mode. However, this may lead to their child feeling dismissed and may trigger feelings of anger, shame, guilt, or hurt.

It can be helpful for parents to keep in mind that unpleasant emotions are normal, and to a certain level, can in fact be helpful. For instance, the feeling of anger when we think we aren’t getting our way can protect us from being wronged or taken advantage of. Sadness highlights what’s important to us and can drive us to seek connection.

Some additional tools parents can use to promote emotional resilience in their child include:

–Validating their feelings. Validating a child’s feelings involves listening to them. Listening may seem like a passive activity, but it is not. It involves hearing, processing, being non-judgmental, and reflecting in a calm manner – a skill that we may need to master. Naming the emotion activates the pre-frontal cortex, the problem-solving side of the brain, that is responsible for emotional regulation.

–Having optimistic expectations. An optimistic mindset acts as a motivator, makes people feel happier and often helps them succeed. Research shows that there is a correlation between parental expectation and children’s behaviors. Listening to what their parents expect of them almost works as a self-fulfilling prophecy, wherein children internalize what they hear and are more likely to act in ways that correspond to their parents’ beliefs. Therefore, when parents expect their child to regulate their emotions and problem-solve, they are more likely to do just that.

–Developing coping tools. Getting children to notice their thoughts and feelings, expressing themselves in the form of enjoyable activities, engaging in relaxation exercises, deep breathing and mindfulness can help them learn how to sit with discomfort before moving on to dealing with their unpleasant emotions.

–Redirecting unacceptable behaviors. While being empathetic, parents need to define their boundaries and communicate expectations clearly. Inappropriate behaviors need to be followed by logical consequences rather than instilling feeling of shame or guilt, which can be counterproductive to the child as well to the parent-child relationship. Parents can act as an emotion coach and support by modeling and teaching their child how to express difficult emotions in an acceptable manner.

–Supporting with problem solving. It is necessary to validate feelings first before getting to the problem-solving stage. After normalizing their feelings and showing understanding, parents can encourage their child to come up with possible solutions, as long as they are within limits. Furthermore, parents can assist with implementing strategies that their child has chosen. In case a strategy doesn’t work, parents can be understanding and calmly redirect their child to move on to the next strategy.

–Engaging in self-care. This is an important tool that can help parents and caregivers to implement all the steps mentioned above. When parents practice self-care, they are able to build on their own ability to deal with stress and can thus model the importance of taking care of oneself and the skills that help maintain good mental health and wellbeing.

–Getting help. Every child is unique. Strategies that work for one may not work for another. If a child continually struggles to deal with setbacks leading to disruption in their daily routine and interpersonal relationships, parents may consider reaching out to a mental health professional for support.

Reference:

Faber, Adele, et al. How to Talk so Teens Will Listen & Listen so Teens Will Talk. William Morrow, 2016.

Ginsburg, Kenneth R., and Martha Moraghan Jablow. Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings. American Academy of Pediatrics, 2020.

Loeb, Emily, et al. “The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of Adolescent Social Expectations.” International Journal of Behavioral Development, vol. 40, no. 6, 2016, pp. 555–564., https://doi.org/10.1177/0165025415618274.

“Resilience Guide for Parents and Teachers.” American Psychological Association, American Psychological Association, https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience/guide-parents-teachers.

Art work by Sara Roizen – https://arttherapyspot.com/2017/07/24/the-art-of-resilience/