The decision to separate or divorce is undoubtedly one of the most challenging experiences a family can go through. When children are involved, this decision can become more complex and requires careful planning and consideration. A well-thought-out co-parenting plan is crucial to ensure the emotional and psychological well-being of the children during this transitional period. However, it’s important to remember that every family is unique, and the plan should be tailored to the specific circumstances of your family, often requiring a mental health professional to guide the family and offer an objective support during this time. Below is what we think is a helpful guide when building a parenting plan,

1. Confirm the Status of the Marriage/Divorce

The first step in creating a parenting plan is to clearly understand and confirm the exact status of the marriage. Are you separating temporarily, or is this a definitive move toward divorce? Clarity on this matter helps in communicating effectively with your children and setting the groundwork for the changes ahead. It is essential for both parents to be on the same page regarding the status of their relationship before communicating it with the children.

2. Communicate with Your Children

When it comes to informing your children about the separation or divorce, it is crucial that both parents communicate the message together, ideally. This unified approach ensures that the child receives a consistent and coherent message, reducing confusion and anxiety. Avoid placing blame on either parent or delving into adult issues about why the marriage has ended. Instead, focus on reassuring your children that they are loved by both and that the decision is not because of them.

3. Maintain Consistent Messaging

Before providing any information to your child, it’s essential to have a prior dialogue and agreement between both parents. Both should convey the same message, usually after consulting with a child, or family therapist. This consistent messaging helps prevent misunderstandings and conflicting emotions that could arise if the child receives mixed signals from either parent.

4. Provide Space for Emotional Expression

Children need opportunities to express their feelings about the situation. Create an environment at home where your child feels safe to talk about their emotions and thoughts regarding the separation or divorce. Listen to them attentively and validate their feelings, whether they express anger, sadness, fear, or confusion. This acknowledgment is crucial for their emotional processing and adjustment.

5. Reassure them of Their Non-responsibility

Children often internalize the blame for their parents’ separation or divorce, believing that their actions or behavior may have contributed to the situation. It is vital to consistently reassure your child that they are not responsible for the divorce and that there is nothing they could have done to prevent it.

6. Help Them Understand Their Limitations

As much as children may wish to mend their parents’ relationship, they need to understand that the responsibility for the marriage lies with the parents. Gently help them realize that they cannot bring you back together, no matter how much they wish it. This understanding can relieve them of the burden of trying to fix something beyond their control.

7. Accept Responsibility as Parents

Parents must accept responsibility for the dissolution of the marriage without this falling on the shoulders of our children. If necessary, individual therapy for both parents can be beneficial in processing heightened emotions and accepting roles in the situation. Consistent co-parenting sessions are also highly recommended at the beginning of the separation or divorce to establish a cooperative approach to parenting moving forward.

8. Acknowledge the Positives and Negatives

Acknowledge both the positive and negative aspects of the divorce without blaming each other. This balanced perspective can help your child see the situation more realistically and prepare them for the changes that are about to happen.

9. Avoid Hostile Remarks

Hostile or critical remarks about the other parent should be avoided at all costs, especially in the earshot of your child. Such comments can create feelings of divided loyalty and increase stress for your child. Children should not be placed in a position where they feel they must choose sides, which often transpires after parental separation and divorce and something we actively want to mitigate at the get go.

10. Cease Using your Child as a Communication Channel

It is crucial to avoid using your child as a conduit for communication between parents or for gathering information about the other parent. This practice places an undue burden on the child and can lead to feelings of being caught in the middle of parental conflict.

11. Establish Clear Boundaries

For the parent who has left the family home, it is important to establish and renew clear boundaries. While it is essential to maintain a relationship with the child, acting as if you have never left can confuse the child. Balance is key—be involved in your child’s life while respecting the new family dynamics. Safeguard typical childhood routines to provide stability.

12. Understand the Impact on the Entire Family

Separation and divorce affect the entire family, and each member will respond differently. Allow your child to process the changes in their own way. Reassure your child that despite the changes, your love for them remains the same. Establishing a clear plan limits confusion and maintaining boundaries provides a sense of security.

13. Maintain Communication and Relationships

Separation often results in the child spending less time with one parent, but maintaining open communication is crucial. Ensure your child knows that you are still there for them and that your love and care have not changed. Additionally, consider how extended family on both sides can continue to play a part in your child’s life. These relationships can provide additional support and stability during this challenging time.

14. Tailoring the Parenting Plan to Your Family’s Unique Needs

While the steps and considerations outlined above provide a general framework, it’s essential to recognize that each family is unique. The circumstances surrounding your separation or divorce—such as your child’s age, temperament, and existing family dynamics—should be factored into the parenting plan. Tailoring the plan to your specific situation will help ensure that it meets the needs of all family members, particularly your children.

Key Considerations for the Parenting Plan

When developing a parenting plan, your therapist will likely extend on the above and several considerations should be taken into account to tailor it to your family’s specific needs: Parenting Styles, Final Living Arrangements, Schedules (inclusive of holidays), Religious practices and holidays, Finances, Making Major Decisions, Communication and Emergency Communication.

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