Natalia Gomez Carlier Psychologist & Art Psychotherapist MAAT, ATR-BC
How well do you know yourself? We believe that we know ourselves, and then suddenly, we act in a way we cannot explain. We have plans and goals, and we find that we are sabotaging our progress. Psychoanalysis explained that our consciousness holds only some of our thoughts, feelings, and memories. It is in our unconscious where stories, myths, and secrets live. Secrets are the stories we do not remember. Secrets are beliefs that continue without verification. We might hold a belief that we are unworthy or unlovable, but we haven’t checked if this belief is true.
Psychological research has confirmed this view and explains how when we try to gain clarity about who we are, we find ourselves lost in foggy labyrinths. Paradoxically, we believe we know ourselves better than we actually do; this is called the “introspection illusion.” We try to see ourselves, but we are too close and what we see is a distortion. We want to be a certain way, maybe generous, patient, kind, but then we see ourselves acting petty and self-righteous. Well, we are lucky when we even notice how we act. Most of the time, we just don’t see our own arrogance. This is part of our design. As humans, we are designed not to see ourselves as objectively as we see others. We don’t’ see our facial expressions nor our body language. We might not even recognize our voice from a recording.
Another challenge is that we can become relatively automatic. Learning something new takes a lot of effort, but it becomes automatic once we master it. For example, when we learn to walk, it requires all our effort and attention, but after years of walking, we do it automatically and while talking on the phone, eating, and taking in the sights. In the same way, our responses and reactions can become automatic, and we act before we think. It is hard to change our automatic and ingrained behaviors and patterns of doing things.
Because we do not know ourselves, we don’t know how to find our path towards authentic meaning and happiness. We get distracted by the prescriptions of society and the expectations of our family and friends. We follow the trails of others, but we are unique beings with unique interests and passions.
There are a couple of ways to get to know ourselves better. The first thing we need to do is to create time. It might sound simple, but we often do not have time or energy for self-reflection in our busy lives. It might be easier to swipe, browse and watch the lives of others when we are tired, but this only deepens our automatic and unconscious behavior. Self-reflection may also look different for everyone. After you make time, the next step is to find what works for you, take a mindful walk, journal, meditate, have a conversation with a therapist, or give art therapy a try.
Engaging with art therapy invites the unconscious, and we enlarge what we know about ourselves. Art can be a safe way to explore our shadows and secrets. When we know ourselves better, we can align our conscious and unconscious goals and feel more congruent, more harmonious. To be happy, I must understand what happiness means to ME. When I know myself, I can understand why I set unrealistic goals that keep me in a hamster wheel. I can be aware of what tempts me to procrastinate and what sabotages me. The more I am aware of my challenges, the better I can prepare for the journey.
So, we keep secrets from ourselves. Secrets we don’t even know exist because they are buried deep in our unconscious. When we begin the journey to know ourselves, we must be aware that we might find aspects that we might not like. The key is to remember that we are not a finished product, we are a work in progress, and we can change. We have the power to become more ourselves and find our authentic happiness.
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