Natalia Gomez Carlier Psychologist & Art Psychotherapist MAAT, ATR-BC
We are born dependent on others; as babies, we need care and protection. We have conceptualized growth as a path from this dependency into independence. But our quest for independence has prioritized self-sufficiency over interconnection. But, we are interconnected and need this interconnectedness to feel whole and to support the systems of our inner and external world.
Our interconnection is so deep that scientists believe that explosions in far galaxies are experienced by the trees that surround us. Likewise, in this time of technology, we can now connect easily and quickly with almost anyone worldwide. And yet some studies show that we have never felt so alone, so disconnected. Is it possible that our quest for independence took us a step too far, and we became self-sufficient instead of interdependent?
Self-sufficiency is primarily a political idea that an individual needs little assistance from outside sources to live a whole life. Self-sufficiency is about being able to do everything on your own, not asking for help, and feeling that you can rely on yourself. This concept, like many others, has both light and shadow. On one side, it is desired and beneficial to know that you can trust yourself, to develop enough independence that you can stay in silence and enjoy your own company. That you have moved away from the limiting circumstances created by your parents and established your individual identity. But on its shadow side, self-sufficiency encourages us to think we are alone in creating our destiny. And makes us believe that we should be able to thrive in isolation.
The quest for self-sufficiency can also align with our past traumas and support our difficulty in trusting others. We can then develop profound challenges in asking for help and strive to appear resilient when we are broken. We can think that asking or sharing our state of mind can be experienced by others as being a burden. Then we might appear self-sufficient when we are afraid of being hurt by connection. We become self-sufficient because we need control and protection.
Self-sufficiency is a myth. We cannot rely only on ourselves. Interdependence implies acknowledging that relationships are essential. In interdependent relationships, people value intimacy and vulnerability as much as they value having a sense of having a separate and complete identity. Here you can connect emotionally and meaningfully, AND you know that you can rely on yourself. Finally, interdependence is not codependence; there is no enmeshment, no taking responsibility for others, poor boundaries, people pleasing, or reactivity.
Suppose we understand that we are not separate. In that case, our healing journey will shift as we develop a more holistic view of the world and our suffering. Absolute isolation is not a strength. It goes against our deepest needs and desires. Interaction and supportive social contact are fundamental for our well-being. We need one another; we cannot survive or thrive without each other.
We might think psychotherapy is an individual journey but let’s not forget that individual change affects the collective. We change one person at a time, and each contribution counts. And, as we model how we have changed, others can come to join us. We become strong by being vulnerable and sharing how the suffering and pain have changed us.
Interdependent relationships have the following characteristics:
Healthy boundaries
Listening to each other
Clear and open communication
Time for personal interests
Having safety to be vulnerable
Supporting each other’s self-esteem
Being open
Feeling cared for and important
Taking responsibility for your behaviors
To create an interdependent relationship, you must first get to know yourself, become comfortable with yourself and with being on your own. You know what you want and are not afraid to ask for it. And, as much as you respect yourself, you respect your partner and their space and dreams. You pursue your goals, and you help your loved ones with their goals as well.
If we move from being self-sufficient toward being interdependent, we understand that we are strong enough to stand alone, but we’re also profoundly aware of how interconnected we are. We can change ourselves, our relationships, and the relationships we establish with the world. And slowly, we can see how the well-being of my community and the world can affect me and how I can support them through my compassionate action.
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