Aarti Odhrani Clinical Psychologist MSc.
Adolescence is the period in a person’s life that occurs after infancy and before adulthood. Mainly between the ages of 10-19, adolescents undergo physiological, emotional, and social changes. Parents may find that their child desires to spend more time away from family members and this may be received negatively, possibly causing feelings of anger or hurt in some. Certain responses from parents, to this relatively common behavior, can cause children to further isolate themselves from their guardians, leading to a negative feedback loop.
During this phase, which may seem to have more lows than highs, parents can often feel overwhelmed and not know how to respond. Fortunately, there are some guidelines that can help us mindfully avoid possible barriers that can impact the quality of our relationship with our child, such as:
-Reminding ourselves that they are still kids at heart. By recognizing that our teen is undergoing a time of relative instability, and that much of their unpredictable behaviors and ever-so-frequent mood shifts are mostly out of their control, we may feel less offended, and be more willing to work on responding in a non-reactive manner.
-Increasing incidents of positive interactions. Actively listening to our teens, showing interest in the things that interest them, and expressing affection can enhance mutual respect and lead to a better connection. If we remind ourselves to prioritize the relationship we share with them, instead of getting wound up in the small stuff, we may be more likely to work towards letting go of things that won’t matter in the long run.
-Facilitating family routines. Having predictable schedules, that include regular times for eating, sleeping, and exercise can help balance their tendency to spend time alone, and are also linked to better affective functioning and a general improvement in relationships.
-Focusing on the “good”. When our teens act unpredictably, moody, or sassy, we can get caught up with focusing on their challenging behaviors. But with conscious effort, we can try to shift our focus on some of the things that are going well.
-Communicating clearly. If we notice our frustration build up, we can express our concerns and convey our expectations clearly to reduce the chances of eventually having an explosive outburst.
-Discussing Sensitive Topics Openly. Having ongoing conversations about sensitive topics earlier rather than later can help with the decisions they make in life. It can help to use books, TV shows, movies, current news, or social media posts as starting points for discussions.
-Allowing mistakes. Although we wish to protect our teenage children, we need to empower them to make age-appropriate decisions on their own. If they make mistakes, we can teach them how to learn from their errors rather than shaming them or taking control of their decision-making.
-Accepting our mistakes. As parents, we too can make mistakes. To strengthen our parent-child bond, we need to accept and apologize when we are wrong and invest time in repairing the damage through emotional connection and having an open dialogue.
-Engaging in Self-care. The importance of self-care can never be less emphasized because taking out time to do things we love can help us feel good and protect our mental health.
-Fear of Judgement. By maintaining an awareness of our thoughts and concerns about others’ opinions of our parenting style or how our teen is “viewed”, we can avoid persistent feelings of fear or disconcertment. It is usually liberating to focus on the opinions of a few people who we value and trust and concentrate on what works for us in our given situation.
-“When in doubt, reach out.” We may fall into a trap of thinking that we need to know-it-all but accepting the fact that seeking support is a strength and not a weakness can help release that pressure. We can turn to teachers, peers, and other professionals to help us make decisions regarding best ways to balance safety concerns while supporting our child’s need for autonomous decision-making.
It is reassuring to know that with the right support, it is possible for caregivers to build a strong and long-lasting relationship with their child, which will help their young ones to grow and flourish as adults.
Bibliography:
Csikszentmihalyi, Mihalyi. “Adolescence.” Encyclopædia Britannica, Encyclopædia Britannica, Inc., 20 Feb. 2021, www.britannica.com/science/adolescence.
Kobak, Roger, et al. “Adapting to the Changing Needs of Adolescents: Parenting Practices and Challenges to Sensitive Attunement.” Current Opinion in Psychology, U.S. National Library of Medicine, June 2017, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5886742/.
Reynolds, Nancy. “8 Things Easy Going Parents of Teens Have in Common.” Raising Teens Today, 7 Dec. 2021, raisingteenstoday.com/8-things-easy-going-parents-of-teens-have-in-common/.
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