Aarti Odhrani Clinical Psychologist MSc.
Have you ever had a heated argument with a close friend that made you feel hurt and angry, but you did not want to escalate the situation, so you forced yourself to act like everything was fine? Did you also avoid any further discussions about the argument?
Now think of a time that you received negative feedback from your line manager. You felt embarrassed and frustrated but did not want to respond defensively. You were able to notice your unpleasant feelings and chose to take a deep breath. You replied by saying, “Thank you for your feedback. I’ll work on it and get back to you soon.” After the meeting, you took a few minutes to reflect on the feedback, how it made you feel, and what disturbed you the most. You then focused on how you could work on it to move forward.
Emotions are a part of our human experience and play a vital role in shaping our interactions with others. As seen in the above examples, we tend to manage our emotions in different ways. People may suppress or repress their emotions by consciously or unconsciously pushing their feelings out of their immediate awareness, or regulate them by understanding and processing their feelings.
The first scenario is an example of emotional suppression or avoidance wherein you consciously push your emotions out of your awareness. While this may offer immediate relief or prevent conflict with your close friend in the short term, it is not sustainable because suppressed emotions don’t vanish. By hiding your true feelings and pretending that things are fine between you, you let the unresolved emotions simmer beneath the surface. These feelings often resurface later in more intense forms and could affect your general mood, and in time, your overall friendship.
Experiential avoidance prevents us from being aware of our authentic feelings. People often suppress their unpleasant feelings to avoid discomfort or to maintain composure. However, successfully suppressing the outward expression of emotions in the short term, does not ease the internal experience of those emotions over time. Suppressing unpleasant emotions can be a temporary coping strategy, but at some point, earlier rather than later, it is advisable to acknowledge and validate emotions.
Research shows that regularly using suppression as a strategy for handling emotions is associated with increased negative feelings, emotional numbness, or fatigue, sleep disruptions, and negative self-talk. It can cause poorer social adjustment and lead to impairments in our relationships. Another key issue is that suppression can also manifest through physical symptoms like headaches, and chronic pain, and increase stress. Emotional repression, which is our unconscious process of pushing away distressing emotions, is also linked to an increased risk of substance dependence, and eating disorders and it also increases the risk of developing mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression.
In the second example, you managed your emotional response thoughtfully and maintained a professional demeanour. You viewed the feedback you received as an opportunity for growth. Emotional regulation means not ignoring or denying feelings. It refers to embracing our emotions at first before making informed decisions about addressing the situation. It involves accepting all feelings, even unpleasant ones, and then figuring out how to handle them. Emotional management can lead to better decision-making and improved relationships. Unlike suppression, regulating our emotions involves understanding and addressing the root causes of feelings and constructively directing emotional responses.
Emotional acceptance involves allowing yourself to fully experience emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations as they are, without trying to change, control, or avoid them. This can be challenging at first, as there may be a fear of being vulnerable or a tendency to avoid unpleasant feelings. You can start by becoming more aware of how you feel during the day, and without judgement, noticing your triggers and how your emotional state influences your behaviour. Leading a healthy lifestyle and engaging in regular self-care can help improve emotional regulation skills.
Suppressing and regulating our emotions may seem similar at first. However, they differ in how they affect us and how they ultimately make us feel. Although acknowledging and accepting our emotions may seem challenging at first, you can begin by paying attention to your feelings throughout the day, identifying common triggers, and observing your responses. Journaling and reflecting on your emotional experiences can enhance emotional acceptance and help you make more informed decisions about addressing situations. You may also find it valuable to work with a therapist to develop effective strategies to embrace and manage your emotions.
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